BUT YOU SURVIVED!!

"But you survived!" ~ three words that know the way to my deepest pit of grief.

Words are blades of steel forged in the ancient times by spirits to cut through the thick walls of the soul leaving its vulnerable scent evaporating and diffusing into the tissues of the mortal body.

I stared at the glass in my hand, halfway to my mouth and the view of the red wine took me back to my darkest times. Times I don't talk about and would donate my silver rings just to avoid their narration.

You know those scenarios that give you a dejavu, not the enticing one but the traumatic type....yeah.

Survival?! Survived?! Survivor?!!!!!.......like is it something one should worship or adore like it's a grant wish from the gods. People make it sound like it's a national security concern that medals and crowns should be designed and awarded to  survivors for surviving!!! I can't even picture a sane person smiling about some stone or whatever metal hanging on their thin neck with the illusion of having achieved something out of this world and now they are celebrated by the world.....ironic!! Right??

To me, those three words are the meanest and narcissistic of all 'compliments'. I wish people would understand how "survive" is traumatic in nature. I have been to hell and lived there for a while. I have made deals with devils just because it was my only way of seeing another dawn. I have lingered around fires lit and fueled by the blood of my slain brethren. I have fed and watered the demon that threw my younger self into a furnace and made me watch it. I have clapped at witches casting spells and curses at my generation. I have laughed at the narration of my city's downfall like it's a joke from my favourite comedy show. I have dusted the boots of those who sailed to take my people to slavery and sharpened their swords.

I have stood on podiums to praise those who almost chopped my tongue out. I have sang lullabies to the soldiers who come back tired from a long day of burning homes and fields of my tribe. I have cooked and attended to the monks who took my young sisters as maidens and sacrificial offerings for their kind. 

Times and again I have received whips from the serpent to cover up the mess her children made. Many are the days I have gone without food so that my master's pigs stay healthy and full. I have slept in the stables with the horses to keep my master's house free from my dirty contagious smell.

Through out my life I have laughed and clapped for my friends for their new job positions. Friends who spiked my drink last weekend at the bar and stabbed me at work and got me fired. I have held and hosted parties for my loved ones who adore me very much as their loyal donkey. I have been obedient and respectful to my father who cursed me before I barely hit 18.

It's just the other day I was consoling my best friend who got dumped by a guy after spending a night in a motel. A guy who was my engaged husband to be with our wedding due in one week until my friend happened.

I mean, I have played by the oppressor's rules as long as it was required. I have played by the rules of the devil to win his scarce trust. That's how I survived!!!! That's how am here.

That's how they labelled me a survivor. I have never wanted to be a survivor. Not one earning the title at the hands of their supposed saviour....ironic. But they don't stop anyway. 

Everyone I meet keeps saying those damn words thinking it's a compliment,"But you survived!" I hate them but I've learnt to bear their echo. Forgive me when I get a little bit triggered when I hear them, it gets personal....and now you know why and how!!

With my glass still in my hand, I gave her a cold stare ,smiled and nodded.

I looked around and looked within

For any sign of life or remnants of who I had been

She's gone (the girl I used to be)

My heart was destroyed....

I can't remember a day I haven't cried

Is this what it means to be alive??!

They watch me barely holding onto life....

..and then they say,"But you survived!"

I finally found my voice,"Yes, I survived, but only physically!"

"Thanks for the drink"

And in a flash, off I went!