I'M TRYING 😞

'Fortune favours the Bold' or so they say. I've been clinging to the saying since the year began you'd think my life depends on it. Fortune, Bold......easy words to say, right? Whoever came up with the idea 'Baada ya dhiki faraja' must have been the most delusional cunt to ever breath. Infact, they can have my spot in hell for free...... Is the former necessary? Ain't the latter the goal after all?! Why do people normalize wins and success as some form of honourable trophies for suffering? Do we have to suffer first to rejoice later? For what? To prove a point?

Ridiculous!!!!

Chaotic chants everywhere....

I've been staring at myself in the mirror for minutes in the morning. There's something black in my left eye and I can't seem to remove it. It's itchy, it's burning, for the first time my girlfriend is not here to help me. Finally I have to wash it out but my vision is blurred. I look like hell and a smack of self-pity is printed all over my face. My big eyes are still swollen from sleep deprivation.

I've been staring blankly at the ceiling since the wee hours of the night. I didn't blink since that call. I can't still hear the echo of her sharp voice lingering in my head, 'Loser'. She wanted to make things crystal clear how a big loser I am. Am I? Am I not? Darn it!! I'm still tryna make ends meet balancing building a future for my name and taking care of my folks with a touch of giving back to the society. To be fair, I would have left too if I was her!! So I understand. No need to fight back. Fight for what in the first place?? There's nothing to explain anyway loser.

But wait, I'm TRYING. I swear I am. I am making a progress for sure. You may not see it due to the magnitude of it's size, but trust me I am progressing. Trust?? You?!

I just need some little days and I'll prove myself worthy.

I'm trying.....

I'm trying to calm the chaos in my head of my little self who's still crying and ranting for justice for the invalidation of her dreams and feelings.

I'm trying to prove to my sweet momma that her prayers are working, the world is kinder now and the path is smoother than her son is making a coin to send home.

I'm trying to remain strong for my innocent gullible siblings who believe that anybwall is breakable with me taking the lead.

I'm working hard to show my father that I'm not a failure for choosing this uptown life against his idea of farm worship and idolising of ranches.

I'm trying to impress my crush that I'm dignified man despite the mock of being dumped barely a week to my birthday.

I'm trying to hold it together for myself and holding to the belief that there exists a seat for me at the table of delegates and the elites of this city.

I'm trying to understand what gives that huge mountain the motivation and endurance to climate and inhabitance of wild beasts who breed in its compound and made it their home for eternity.

I'm trying to balance my feeble weight on this borrowed chair I loan everytime I want to enjoy the of nature or bath in the scorching sun.

I'm trying.......

I'm trying to hold back the tears for the fact that no one seems to notice of my struggle apart from this two beasts who have been staring at me for hours. I was told that a man's tears should never be seen on the face of the earth. They called it weakness!! Maybe that's what caught the attention of my two friends.

I heard that nature has a way of connecting to living souls. Fair enough......

Otherwise nothing would explain why two giraffes chose to keep me company in this abandoned land.

They seem to understand that I'm trying.

Or maybe they trying to......

But atleast even if not someone, something notices ..

Something notices I'm trying.

Because I am....

I'M TRYING 

~Lilac🔥